Day 69 - Slightly adrift

I have been crap at blogging and feel that I haven't been much better at PCP itself of late.  Thursday night client dinner, I definitely went over my dinner protein allotment, as my steak was just very tasty, so I ate the whole thing.  Probably 200-220 grams total, over by about 80~100 grams, which is obviously a pretty large percentage.  After doing so I went somewhat off the rails -- I also sneaked a couple french fries and extra non-special order veggies, which is to say they almost definitely had salt and/or butter on them.  And a few scoops of chocolate cake & ice cream for dessert.  And several bits and bites off the cheese plate.  I have mostly been able to avoid much client entertainment stuff during the PCP so far but just couldn't get away being 100% compliant on Thursday...nor, to be honest, did I really want to...as perhaps you can tell by the total lack of restraint.  Call it a mental health day.  Consequently I felt like ass all day Friday, got home Friday night and was totally spent, so didn't work out.  Amazing how bad decisions can compound and be felt well after their immediate making.  Saturday to make up for it, I jumped an extra 6-7 minutes, and combined the two workouts.  Didn't do 100% of both but did as much as I could (all of the legs & push-ups/back stuff + smaller muscles, and 3 diff sets of abs stuff).  Decent make-up effort I suppose, but I was hoping to get fully back on track on Sunday, buuuut Sunday turned out to be lots and lots of Maya time (my daughter)...which was great but it meant I didn't get to the gym until about 6:45pm, had ZERO interest in jumping so went for a run on the treadmill.  I ran 10k, which was awesome for me, first time I've run that far in a really, really long time, but it took 57 minutes.  I had to get back up and eat dinner, could NOT be in the gym another 45 minutes after that, so half-assed some random abs and then called it a day.  Today I will do Sunday's workout, Tuesday I will do Monday's, and be all caught up.  That's the plan anyway.  Did I mention I ran 10k (6.2 miles)?  I have run 5 miles twice in the last month or so, but haven't run more than those 5 miles in an unimaginably long time.  Yes I am pretty proud of this accomplishment, as unimpressive as it may be to some of you.

Anyway, that run notwithstanding, I'm just not in the zone these days, not even close.  I can't believe we only have 3 weeks left -- they are going to need to be a transcendent 3 weeks or else I fear I might ultimately end up disappointed with my efforts and therefore my results when this is all said and done.  I have worked extremely hard for most of this program and have had some great progress (I mean, lets face it, I am a million miles from where I started), but just don't feel great about myself at the moment.  It's strange; I didn't really have any specific goals when this started.  A lot of guys are talking about getting below a certain weight target.  I don't have one.  I remember mentioning to Patrick before starting, "75kg sounds like a nice #, but it's not a target."  I started at 80.1 kg.  Well I blew through 75, and late last week weighed in at 70.1 -- exactly 10 kg (22 lbs) down from where I started.  That was on Thursday morning I think, so a day after our diets had just ramped back up.  I developed kind of a fascination as the pounds were coming off with having a 2nd "big figure change" as we say in finance -- getting below 70, into the 60's.  That would have been cool, I guess...?  But given the increase in food and hopefully in muscle building, I now expect to finish somewhere around 71~72 neighborhood.  We shall see.

Whatever that final weight # ends up being though, I want it to be made of a few things: more muscle, pretty much everywhere, and yet still less gut.  A lot less gut.  The upper 4-packish looking thing is still uneven and stagnating, hasn't made any progress in weeks and weeks, and the lower gut refuses to go anywhere.  That is super frustrating.

I want two things in equal measure, and they are at odds with each other: a bacon cheeseburger, and a chiseled frame of lean, strong muscle.  I read all the daily emails, and I see how many diseases are preventable through healthy diet and exercise, etc...and then I think about how delicious cheesecake is.  There have been a lot of external changes for me over the last 69 days, but I don't think the internal decision-making changes happened with them.  Or at least, they certainly haven't kept pace.  I will bear down for the final three weeks. I will.  But I fear what will happen then.  I'm sure I will make some changes in how I approach food, but to what degree?